Somedays ago a friend of mine complained to me, that I am a machine. All I do is work and more work. I am over practical. Do not believe in heart matters and I do not let people come closer to me. My first, reaction was denial. But, some introspection later, I find some of his allegations are true.
I do not let people come closer to me, because I am afraid that at some point of time they are going to hurt me. It always starts with a smile. I always try to believe him/er. Try to help that person, and try to belong to his/er sphere, in anticipation that I will be accepted as a friend. This is one personality of mine. But then something or other happens that shows me he/she is not good.
There starts another personality that always warns me like a twin sister that security walls are getting breached. That I am getting vulnerable. With this automatically, I start creating damage measures. Start building cocoons around me, in case the relation starts to harm me. Human nature never changes. Past experiences never go away. At best, you can push them far in your mind or repress them for happier ones. But, time and again they are bound to come to the surface and pain you. With time you learn to live with your pain. With time the pain fades. But, it never goes away from your life. My past made me who I am today. From a foolish straight thinking simple girl who believed in truth and lived for others...I turned into a shrewd cunning selfish complicated lady who does not even believe in herself anymore. Today I don’t know exactly what I am capable of in dire circumstances. Pain hurts you, as well as makes you more strong-headed and ruthless. It is survival instinct. Once you taste the survival strategy, you can never really go back and become the simple girl, you once were.
So, I called my friend and said him "I accept that I live with cocoons. But, it is for my own protection. They enable me, to cut people out of my life without any sentimental hassle, when their presence starts damaging me and my feelings. I have faced the darkness twice and somehow survived severely bruised. I know, a third encounter will be fatal. So, better live with bruises. I accept my cocoons. I accept me.” If he thinks me as a friend, then he have to accept me as who I am. Not as someone he thinks he can make me. Surfaces can change but inner contours of human personality very rarely change. I am who I am and I believe the quote written in another friend's gchat status: "It is my way or the highway". Take it or leave it. It is your choice and I really hate those kinds of people who do mistakes and omit the word forgive from their dictionary. Obstinate fools. A tree that does not know how to bend breaks easily. Beware!
