Cocoons and Survival

Somedays ago a friend of mine complained to me, that I am a machine. All I do is work and more work. I am over practical. Do not believe in heart matters and I do not let people come closer to me. My first, reaction was denial. But, some introspection later, I find some of his allegations are true.

I do not let people come closer to me, because I am afraid that at some point of time they are going to hurt me. It always starts with a smile. I always try to believe him/er. Try to help that person, and try to belong to his/er sphere, in anticipation that I will be accepted as a friend. This is one personality of mine. But then something or other happens that shows me he/she is not good. 

There starts another personality that always warns me like a twin sister that security walls are getting breached. That I am getting vulnerable. With this automatically, I start creating damage measures. Start building cocoons around me, in case the relation starts to harm me. Human nature never changes. Past experiences never go away. At best, you can push them far in your mind or repress them for happier ones. But, time and again they are bound to come to the surface and pain you. With time you learn to live with your pain. With time the pain fades. But, it never goes away from your life. My past made me who I am today. From a foolish straight thinking simple girl who believed in truth and lived for others...I turned into a shrewd cunning selfish complicated lady who does not even believe in herself anymore. Today I don’t know exactly what I am capable of in dire circumstances. Pain hurts you, as well as makes you more strong-headed and ruthless. It is survival instinct. Once you taste the survival strategy, you can never really go back and become the simple girl, you once were.

So, I called my friend and said him "I accept that I live with cocoons. But, it is for my own protection. They enable me, to cut people out of my life without any sentimental hassle, when their presence starts damaging me and my feelings. I have faced the darkness twice and somehow survived severely bruised. I know, a third encounter will be fatal. So, better live with bruises. I accept my cocoons. I accept me.” If he thinks me as a friend, then he have to accept me as who I am. Not as someone he thinks he can make me. Surfaces can change but inner contours of human personality very rarely change. I am who I am and I believe the quote written in another friend's gchat status: "It is my way or the highway". Take it or leave it. It is your choice and I really hate those kinds of people who do mistakes and omit the word forgive from their dictionary. Obstinate fools. A tree that does not know how to bend breaks easily. Beware!

Time-Pass Public

My first love is Books. As far back as I can remember of my life, I find books as an integral part of it. School Books, story books of library and all kinds of books. Lately, downloaded books from internet have caught my fancy. They were and are truly my companion. People smoke or drink or do other things when unhappy, I read books. It works like tranquilizer for my mind. I can become pretty severely restless sometimes, as if something is burning inside to come out. By instinct, I know if I allow that substance, whatever it is, to come out, it will only create destruction. Destruction of relations, destruction of sentiments, destruction of friendship, destruction of love and admiration. Many things I notice of people, but do not care to consider or choose to ignore in normal circumstances. It makes my life easy. They all come out in very bad shape, while I am restless. People near and dear to me... I selfishly love them. It is my life's dilemma that I love some people from core of my heart and on the other side, I never knew I was capable of such hatred towards them. Sometimes love overrules everything, and sometimes hatred wins. In between, is sandwiched the poor me! If you are given a choice of choosing, between your right and left eyes, which one you will choose? They both are equally precious to you. So neither I can stop loving them, nor I can forgive them completely. Its as if, I am destined to burn in my own created hell for eternity. I drank the blue poison by choice with a fake laugh in my face.

What to say, with all this in my mind, I feel, if anything can cure me, or, if anything is normal in my life, then its my books. They instill some peace of mind. My books are me. When we became one, I do not know and cannot describe. Whatever I do, wherever I go, books seem a safe option to me. You have a friendly chat with someone in a journey, the next thing you know he thinks you are interested in him. By God, save me from this foolishness. So, its my rule, not to talk much in journeys and as such, I do not know what to talk with complete strangers. Talking with known people seems so cubersome sometimes. Who cares about the unknown mass. Grab a book, take a corner window seat, look the passing scenery and when bored read the book. Seems enough safe to me.

I am pretty monotonic about my choices. I like shopping from a particular book shop in Howrah Station. In corner of the new complex of Howrah station, a tiny book shop is my choice. I do not know what I see there, but feel like buying a book, everytime I pass it. May be, bought a couple of books from there, during my numerous journeys to hither and thither. This time it was a jolt to me. I had some time at hand and I was unable to pinpoint an interesting book for my journey. So, was browsing the books one after another. Suddenly, the bookkeeper started yelling. about some thing... rouge public... do not want to buy…  just time pass etc. etc. Next thing I knew, the other book-keeper prevented me from taking books, with a very bad smile in his face. I do not know what to say to them. Then, I came to understand, it was me they were gesturing and hissing from the last 10 minutes.

What mad them think that, I will not buy any book and just spending my time there... I do not know. But, it seemed very very insulting. A person, for whom books are everything, her life, her ambitions and her identity, how come she will do time-pass with her major interest of life? It was a speechless moment for me. I was not angry at all, I just became blank. I stared at both of them for a couple of seconds... it was early morning and I do believe in good start of a day... hence left the stall silently. How did they came to that conclusion that I am a time-pass public, I do not know. I completed that very journey without any book and came home. Forgot the matter completely. Some days later while cleaning a book-shelf, I found that very stack of books I bought from that book-store and the time-pass story came to mind. I do not know how to forget this insulting incident and it still stings in heart for being called time-pass public. God forbid, anything happen to that book shop, but that day it lose an avid book shopper! May be, I will visit that stall and book-keepers just once more and return the books I bought from them to purge the bad memory. As long as the books are with me, the incident is gonna stay in memory!!!

Happy B'day Crow

My little bro
as a new born he looked like a muscular crow
so hard I tried to make him white and snow
but failed with utter sorrow...

As time flew
steadily he grew
made his points of view
made friends new and new
my moments with him became few...

His tolerance is so tiny and narrow
makes his eyebrows dark and furrow
he makes mistakes and lets them grow

then vainly tries to beg and borrow

to make all things good and marrow...

26 yrs old is today that crow
From distance I heard the show
as he cut the cake and swallow
so many feelings started to flow
the golden past moments glow
moments of love, hate, friendship aglow

happy birth day to you crow :).

Being Lucky with movies

These days I am getting lucky with my selection of movies. My institute hostel used to have an un-official reservoir of movies. Whoever, whenever downloaded something, goes to the reservoir, provided the print is good. We all unanimously hate bad prints, even though we get them freely. Everybody can't access the reservoir, as the content is huge and must be utilized in restricted mode, so that the sys admins do not get whiff of it. Some 2 yrs ago, I got the privilege via a friend. He cautioned me though that the content may not be appropriate always, as quite a few samples are in hostel who always run towards porn movies and the criteria of good print qualifies them to be included in the reservoir :). Who cares? Everybody is adult here and a person's sanity and honesty lies with him/er only. I was not sure for what duration I was granted the privilege. So, I copied whatever I can from the reservoir to my external hard disk with a blindfold. Thought, will delete, what I don’t like, later. That collection is running till date. Deleted some movies, added some (given by friends), and yet haven't seen some of them.

It is not that you feel like watching a movie everyday that to of unknown content. It may be a romantic/ comedy/ horror/ sadistic/ porn one and ruin your happy mood very easily. I feel it bad, deleting a movie, before atleast watching it once. So there were many nights, I watched a movie and went to bed quite unhappy about the story or the ending and quite a few times did not leave the director even for a good reason. I think, I have endured all the bad movies in my collection. 'Coz these days which ever movie, I decide to watch, turns out to be a fantastic one. Last to last weekend I watched "The Pianist". I am a happy go lucky person and hate sad movies. Always end up with wet towels and headache after watching such kind of movies. This movie is a sad one, still such beautifully the plot was written and the actors were so natural, I felt good that I didn’t miss it, just because it is a movie depicting a disturbing era of world history. A few days later, I choose "The curious case of Benjamin Button". Absolutely loved it. Initially I thought of watching a bit, then will drag some and watch some, just to cover the plot. As such I am always interested for the storyline, being a tiny writer myself. Dragging a few mins and then watching some more mins suits well to my purpose, if the movie does not interest me. But this one was different. I became so enamored with it that lost all track of time. Went to bed at 4 AM in the morning. No doubt, the next day went horribly at lab with droopy eyes and yawns. Still felt, the movie is worth the effort.

I just hope my third random movie will also turn out to be great. Will it be a Hattrick??? Lets hope so :).

PS: Amongst this cleaning of content of my movie database, my brother visited me once. He is sneaky by birth. So u can guess the rest. He had literally a fit watching the list. I have to coax him a lot just to listen to me. God, that was a day, explaining my younger bro that I have not collected them by preference and this is just a database of which 70% are yet unseen by me. Hahha....

What abt 10 hands, three heads and 96 hr days?

God. These days I feel so helpless about myself. So much work to do in so little time and above that my awful habit of going slow and game mania. I feel more depressed, by watching people juggle and manage so easily all these tensions that I cannot do. I know its bad thinking, but can't help it. I should be happy for them. Believe me, I am. Atleast I try to. But I am unhappy about me.

I need a magic wand so terribly. Some spark...some imagination and inspiration. It seems as if  I have covered seven seas in my quest and now stuck in the port indefinitely, while I know my destination is a few pace away. I have never wanted something so badly and the fear that I will not get it, is eating me inside out. When all the tensions attack me I behave like complete maverick moron. People become dumb founded by my behavior; they keep asking me "What is ur tension? Why u r so unhappy?” I feel more irritated by these questions. I know my problem is "me" like some auto-immune disease. The problem is with me... the solution is also with me. I keep assuring myself, all will be solved eventually. You will get what u want so badly? I feel convinced sometimes, feel discontented sometimes and feel like not talking to anyone sometimes. I just shrink into my dream space... and wish nobody will disturb me...which never happens. I have so many innocent well wishers that they keep banging me unknowingly to my utter discomfort. Is this depression? I keep asking myself? But to the outside world I am normal. I keep my routine in lab, laugh with kakima, and call home and frolic with friends. I am able to laugh with life, I enjoy life. Then how I can be depressed? I mean, I have seen depressed people, they are bags of disturbance cocooned outside with peace, unable to laugh, unable to enjoy and unable to behave normal. I am not one of them.  Am I expecting a lot from myself? Way above my capacity? May be. But, at some point everybody does that, ain't it? What I lack is balance. I am so much in love with my priorities that, a little addition is also threatening to break the balance. Can I afford the addition? I am very bad with dead lines. It affects my performance catastrophically. All together, I am in a state of numbness now...wishing for 10 hands, three heads and 96 hr days?

PS: whee.......whee.........whee.......my mental wheel is whirring haphazardly....hope will be able to gain balance soon.