Friday, May 20, 2011

Being Lucky with movies

These days I am getting lucky with my selection of movies. My institute hostel used to have an un-official reservoir of movies. Whoever, whenever downloaded something, goes to the reservoir, provided the print is good. We all unanimously hate bad prints, even though we get them freely. Everybody can't access the reservoir, as the content is huge and must be utilized in restricted mode, so that the sys admins do not get whiff of it. Some 2 yrs ago, I got the privilege via a friend. He cautioned me though that the content may not be appropriate always, as quite a few samples are in hostel who always run towards porn movies and the criteria of good print qualifies them to be included in the reservoir :). Who cares? Everybody is adult here and a person's sanity and honesty lies with him/er only. I was not sure for what duration I was granted the privilege. So, I copied whatever I can from the reservoir to my external hard disk with a blindfold. Thought, will delete, what I don’t like, later. That collection is running till date. Deleted some movies, added some (given by friends), and yet haven't seen some of them.

It is not that you feel like watching a movie everyday that to of unknown content. It may be a romantic/ comedy/ horror/ sadistic/ porn one and ruin your happy mood very easily. I feel it bad, deleting a movie, before atleast watching it once. So there were many nights, I watched a movie and went to bed quite unhappy about the story or the ending and quite a few times did not leave the director even for a good reason. I think, I have endured all the bad movies in my collection. 'Coz these days which ever movie, I decide to watch, turns out to be a fantastic one. Last to last weekend I watched "The Pianist". I am a happy go lucky person and hate sad movies. Always end up with wet towels and headache after watching such kind of movies. This movie is a sad one, still such beautifully the plot was written and the actors were so natural, I felt good that I didn’t miss it, just because it is a movie depicting a disturbing era of world history. A few days later, I choose "The curious case of Benjamin Button". Absolutely loved it. Initially I thought of watching a bit, then will drag some and watch some, just to cover the plot. As such I am always interested for the storyline, being a tiny writer myself. Dragging a few mins and then watching some more mins suits well to my purpose, if the movie does not interest me. But this one was different. I became so enamored with it that lost all track of time. Went to bed at 4 AM in the morning. No doubt, the next day went horribly at lab with droopy eyes and yawns. Still felt, the movie is worth the effort.

I just hope my third random movie will also turn out to be great. Will it be a Hattrick??? Lets hope so :).

PS: Amongst this cleaning of content of my movie database, my brother visited me once. He is sneaky by birth. So u can guess the rest. He had literally a fit watching the list. I have to coax him a lot just to listen to me. God, that was a day, explaining my younger bro that I have not collected them by preference and this is just a database of which 70% are yet unseen by me. Hahha....

Saturday, May 14, 2011

What abt 10 hands, three heads and 96 hr days?

God. These days I feel so helpless about myself. So much work to do in so little time and above that my awful habit of going slow and game mania. I feel more depressed, by watching people juggle and manage so easily all these tensions that I cannot do. I know its bad thinking, but can't help it. I should be happy for them. Believe me, I am. Atleast I try to. But I am unhappy about me.

I need a magic wand so terribly. Some spark...some imagination and inspiration. It seems as if  I have covered seven seas in my quest and now stuck in the port indefinitely, while I know my destination is a few pace away. I have never wanted something so badly and the fear that I will not get it, is eating me inside out. When all the tensions attack me I behave like complete maverick moron. People become dumb founded by my behavior; they keep asking me "What is ur tension? Why u r so unhappy?” I feel more irritated by these questions. I know my problem is "me" like some auto-immune disease. The problem is with me... the solution is also with me. I keep assuring myself, all will be solved eventually. You will get what u want so badly? I feel convinced sometimes, feel discontented sometimes and feel like not talking to anyone sometimes. I just shrink into my dream space... and wish nobody will disturb me...which never happens. I have so many innocent well wishers that they keep banging me unknowingly to my utter discomfort. Is this depression? I keep asking myself? But to the outside world I am normal. I keep my routine in lab, laugh with kakima, and call home and frolic with friends. I am able to laugh with life, I enjoy life. Then how I can be depressed? I mean, I have seen depressed people, they are bags of disturbance cocooned outside with peace, unable to laugh, unable to enjoy and unable to behave normal. I am not one of them.  Am I expecting a lot from myself? Way above my capacity? May be. But, at some point everybody does that, ain't it? What I lack is balance. I am so much in love with my priorities that, a little addition is also threatening to break the balance. Can I afford the addition? I am very bad with dead lines. It affects my performance catastrophically. All together, I am in a state of numbness now...wishing for 10 hands, three heads and 96 hr days?

PS: whee.......whee.........whee.......my mental wheel is whirring haphazardly....hope will be able to gain balance soon.