What abt 10 hands, three heads and 96 hr days?

God. These days I feel so helpless about myself. So much work to do in so little time and above that my awful habit of going slow and game mania. I feel more depressed, by watching people juggle and manage so easily all these tensions that I cannot do. I know its bad thinking, but can't help it. I should be happy for them. Believe me, I am. Atleast I try to. But I am unhappy about me.

I need a magic wand so terribly. Some spark...some imagination and inspiration. It seems as if  I have covered seven seas in my quest and now stuck in the port indefinitely, while I know my destination is a few pace away. I have never wanted something so badly and the fear that I will not get it, is eating me inside out. When all the tensions attack me I behave like complete maverick moron. People become dumb founded by my behavior; they keep asking me "What is ur tension? Why u r so unhappy?” I feel more irritated by these questions. I know my problem is "me" like some auto-immune disease. The problem is with me... the solution is also with me. I keep assuring myself, all will be solved eventually. You will get what u want so badly? I feel convinced sometimes, feel discontented sometimes and feel like not talking to anyone sometimes. I just shrink into my dream space... and wish nobody will disturb me...which never happens. I have so many innocent well wishers that they keep banging me unknowingly to my utter discomfort. Is this depression? I keep asking myself? But to the outside world I am normal. I keep my routine in lab, laugh with kakima, and call home and frolic with friends. I am able to laugh with life, I enjoy life. Then how I can be depressed? I mean, I have seen depressed people, they are bags of disturbance cocooned outside with peace, unable to laugh, unable to enjoy and unable to behave normal. I am not one of them.  Am I expecting a lot from myself? Way above my capacity? May be. But, at some point everybody does that, ain't it? What I lack is balance. I am so much in love with my priorities that, a little addition is also threatening to break the balance. Can I afford the addition? I am very bad with dead lines. It affects my performance catastrophically. All together, I am in a state of numbness now...wishing for 10 hands, three heads and 96 hr days?

PS: whee.......whee.........whee.......my mental wheel is whirring haphazardly....hope will be able to gain balance soon.